Introduction
Communication is such a broad and prevalent topic, that it is difficult to choose where to start. I have therefore decided to start from the end:
What do we wish to achieve through communication?
When we initiate communication, whether to share, listen or feel closeness and intimacy, or to convey a hard-to-digest message to our spouse, we always want the conversation to end on a good note.
Often this kind of conclusion seems impossible, so we forgo that aim in advance, but the truth is that it is possible, indeed, very much so, when we know the components of harmonious communication and how to use them beneficially.
Internal and External Communication
As I have often written, we consist of functional organs – both in body and psyche. The method “Harmonious Couples Relationships”[1] helps us, amongst other things, to create a bond between two segments of the psyche while generating harmonious communication.
Communication between our inner parts is based on a number of principles: acceptance and perception of the differences between them as a gift rather than a drawback; stir curiosity and respect for our needs and those of the other, and deliver clear messages while functioning within the partnership and encouraging each other’s efforts.
As is to be expected, when we know how to bring each of these qualities into our relationships with our spouse, our communication with them will change and improve substantially.
Why then is it best to begin with our inner parts?
Firstly, when they are segments of our own being, part of ourselves, they clearly have a common goal: to help us. This way it is easier for us and for our inner parts to see how important this kind of communication is and how important it is to have a better partnership and even to create it. The understanding that within ourselves there are no conflicts of interest, but only differences, makes it easier for us to believe that it is possible to do so.
Secondly, with this kind of communication, we can sense what these inner parts feel within the conversation and therefore, the consequences of the actions of our various parts, is clear to us.
It appears that in most cases where a part within us is having difficulty, it tends to behave in a way that is detrimental to the other parts, even if there was no such intention. When we work with the segments within us, it is fairly easy for the part of us causing harm, to see what it is losing by behaving in this manner, thanks to the common interests; causing damage in one area, is inevitably going to harm the common goal.
When we learn to communicate harmoniously with our inner parts, it means that we are able to understand how communication works, we then have the tools to act accordingly.
Why Then Is It Best to Begin With Our Inner Parts?
Firstly, when they are segments of our own being, part of ourselves, they clearly have a common goal: to help us. This way it is easier for us and for our inner parts to see how important this kind of communication is and how important it is to have a better partnership and even to create it. The understanding that within ourselves there are no conflicts of interest, but only differences, makes it easier for us to believe that it is possible to do so.
Secondly, with this kind of communication, we can sense what these inner parts feel within the conversation and therefore, the consequences of the actions of our various parts, is clear to us.
It appears that in most cases where a part within us is having difficulty, it tends to behave in a way that is detrimental to the other parts, even if there was no such intention. When we work with the segments within us, it is fairly easy for the part of us causing harm, to see what it is losing by behaving in this manner, thanks to the common interests; causing damage in one area, is inevitably going to harm the common goal.
When we learn to communicate harmoniously with our inner parts, it means that we are able to understand how communication works, we then have the tools to act accordingly.
Harmonious Communication Begins at the End
The first thing we want to begin with in Harmonious relationships & harmonious communication is a clear definition of where we want to get to. Harmonious communication is directed towards the experience that there is an inherent beneficial bond between the participants, and that this bond is significant to both of them. As a result, a pleasant partnership as a couple becomes possible with all the challenges this entails.
Harmonious Communication can only exist when it is important to both sides, that both partners gain what they need, and believe this to be possible. However, even when this is the starting point of both participants, the manner in which they manage their communication, has a decisive impact on the nature of the conversation.
Harmonious relationships & Harmonious Communication includes sharing, listening, and acknowledgement of the goals and basic needs of both participants. Absence of any of these components will prevent the communication from ending in a pleasant manner.
In addition, there are conditions that are required for the conversation to take place, at a certain point in time, and absence of these conditions affect the conversation detrimentally. For example: lack of energy, missing information, inability to contain the other, or lack of availability, not being truly present in the situation. Under these circumstances, it is important to take the time and wait for these conditions to exist, to give the conversation a chance.
Even when we are talking about internal conversations, sometimes we need to apply the right timing. For example:
- ·If one is tired or hungry these two basic needs cannot be fulfilled at the same time, you can’t eat and sleep at once. Allotting fulfillment of these needs over time, allows us to respond to each need.
- ·Sometimes we want both time for ourselves and to be with our partner or friends. Here too, allocating different times to respond to these needs will allow us to fulfill the needs.
People who know how to utilize time to fulfill their needs, will be able to do so even when there is another person in the picture.
Main Components of Communication
- Availability and containment – at the beginning and throughout the conversation we must verify that both sides are available, present, and have the time and the ability to contain the conversation; this is a basic condition for holding it. Under any other circumstances, the conversation will become a monologue and will gain no results. Availability and containing create a space in which the conversation can exist, otherwise it cannot be a fruitful one.
- Basic Needs – in any attempt to reach a solution involving numerous sides, it is important to understand that a solution that gives both sides a good feeling, which can repeatedly serve them over a long period of time, must respond to the needs of both sides. Basic needs are those needs, which if not fulfilled, will harm the person’s quality of life, and often cause damage to their physical and mental health. Clearly, therefore, any solution that ignores the basic needs of one of the partners in the relationship, will results in an unbalanced and disharmonious situation.
When we examine our needs, it is important to verify if it is a basic need or something else. For example: when a person feels they have a need for a million dollars, often the basic need behind this is a need for security; when a person feels they need a lot of time to themselves, sometimes the reason is that they are not managing their time well; sometimes a person may be over eating due to lack of love, which is a basic need, or it might be boredom.
It is very important for one to identify their own basic needs. During a conversation in which we are equipped with empathy and curiosity, it is possible to be clear as to the needs of both sides.
Just as people are born to fulfill their basic needs (breathe, eat, sleep, move, connect with others etc.), so it can be in relationships. During a discussion dealing with fulfilling basic needs, there may be a necessity for the couple to let go of their previous perceptions and perhaps even of the dependency they have developed upon each other.
A conversation that manages to respond to the basic needs of both sides, usually creates a feeling of satisfaction and intimacy. - Our Feelings are our Truth – our feelings participate in the conversation with us, and impact it immensely. When we relate to them and share them with our partner, our feelings let go and we can better understand how the discussion affects us and our partner. Feelings can direct the way the conversation goes, and if they can be brought to the front, they can be helpful in directing and leading to a harmonious experience.
Even difficult feelings that arise in the conversation can help us as long as we are not frightened by them.
- Ending the Conversation – harmonious conversation ends either when availability and containment dissipate, or when we have reached a solution to the problem. At the end of a harmonious conversation usually we will feel fulfillment and intimacy. Often at this point, at least one member of the couple will feel the need to continue to discuss additional topics in order to further prolong this good feeling. This can bring about a lack of availability and containment on the part of the other in the midst of the conversation and from there on we may feel the conversation is no longer a good one.
It is best to end the conversation after one topic and to maintain the good feeling, so that next time we approach a conversation we will feel more fulfilled and more prepared, with a better chance of repeating our previous success.
Direction and Intention in Communication
A conversation begins when there is a topic that must be resolved or due to a need for intimacy and closeness (conversations with other goals or needs are managed differently). Sometimes, before the conversation, we examine ourselves within to verify what our message is, thus we generate within us a process of investigation that changes the manner in which we will start the conversation, and sometimes this can even make the conversation superfluous.
When two partners are synchronized towards the same goal, the chances of reaching harmonious communication increase. Since we cannot prophecy or guess the purpose of the conversation, they each might use it for other purposes. In order to ensure synchronization, at the beginning of the conversation it is good to define the purpose and align with the other, so that the two can focus on the goal and strive towards it. Defining the purpose actually directs the conversation and allows us to verify that the direction is being maintained throughout.
In conversations where the direction is changed midway, it is important to generate additional synchronization regarding the goal so that the couple will indeed act in the same direction and leave the conversation with a feeling of success.
Defining the intention helps us feel if our message is defined precisely, and this in turn will enable us to generate precision at the start of the conversation and throughout it.
Summary
Holding a conversation begins with the intention which, once clarified, will enable us to lead the conversation to a better place. It continues by our managing the conditions of the conversation including, patience, tolerance, curiosity, attention and synchronization of the participants regarding the topic of the conversation.
Allowing for the feelings of both sides while fulfilling the basic needs of both participants, provides a good feeling and one of harmony at the end of the conversation even if while it was in process, some tension and complicated feelings arose.
We have the possibility of generating harmonious communication & Harmonious relationships within ourselves – and thereafter, with others – and it is possible to learn how, for our benefit and for a better quality of life.
